We're going to cover the absolute bare minimum you need to out there, " I mean, "slightly delay the inevitable discomfort."

We'll be "learning" about the soul-crushing process of pre-trip planning, the agonizing task of site selection (where you'll discover new and exciting ways the ground can hurt your back), the exercise in futility known as fire-making, the bewildering world of ropes and knots (because apparently, your life depends on your ability to tie a square knot), the probable scenario of getting lost (and what to do when you realize your phone has no signal), basic first aid (for the injuries you'll definitely sustain), and a whole host of other... "delights."

Consider this your first and only warning: the outdoors is mostly inconvenient, occasionally beautiful, and frequently filled with bugs. Don't say I didn't tell you so.